Time magazine has offered eleven ways to cope with the profound sorrow and anguish of Trump’s inauguration. These include: getting a pedicure, hugging yourself, singing Tomorrow from Annie at the top of your lungs, and meditating in the forest surrounded by fawns and bunnies.
I don’t recall a similar list four years ago for dejected Trump supporters, just suggestions to ‘cry harder’ and to stop spreading the Big Lie™ that all those mystery ballots appearing at 3 a.m. were indicative of anything other than The Most Free And Fair Election Evah™. To be fair, though, most Leftists are mentally ill, so coping with setbacks is a far greater struggle for them. To help them make it through this, the darkest day in human history, I offer eleven more self-care techniques.
1. Eat some eggs
True, a dozen eggs still costs three times what it did last time Trump was president. But eggs are comfort food, and you definitely need comforting today. So indulge in these rare delicacies, whether fried, scrambled, in an omelette, or as part of Mark Milley’s favorite breakfast, Eggs Benedict Arnold.
2. Get another booster shot
Sure, you’ve already had one this week, but why not another? They don’t work, but they sure do make you feel good in a placebo kinda way. For the Fauci Ouchie is to a Branch Covidian what going to mass is for a devout Catholic. Spike protein of Wuhan, you take away the sins of the World.
3. Move to Canada
You vowed to do it after 2016. You vowed again if he were reelected in 2020. With Literally Hitler back in the White House, this may be your last chance to escape the Republic of Gilead for the gun-banning, vax-requiring, pronoun-enforcing utopia to the North.
Say what? Justin Trudeau has resigned? Change of plans …
3b. Move to Cuba
For 66 years, Cuba, under the benevolent dictatorship of Justin’s Papi and Tito, has been a paragon of equity. Everyone in Cuba is equally miserable, malnourished, and oppressed! Every citizen, regardless of race, creed, or gender identity, enjoys regular water and power outages. Good thing you’ve kept your high school Spanish fresh by ordering at the taco truck.
4. Be raped and murdered by an illegal alien
This popular pastime really took off during Border Czar Kamala Harris’ tenure. But the very violent criminals needed for this fun activity will be deported faster than you can say ‘The Laken Riley Act.’ Hurry up and book your rape and murder today!
5. Pet your cats
Researchers agree that petting a dog or a cat is a soothing exercise that lowers heart rate and releases endorphins. You don’t have a dog. Or any children, for that matter. But you do have cats. Lots and lots of cats.
6. Trans one of your students
School teachers will be especially hard hit not just today, but tomorrow, when they return to their classroom to find the sincere, grandfatherly smile of Uncle Joe on the wall replaced with the scowling mug of the 34 Felonies And Adjudicated Rapist. While totally not teaching CRT — an arcane college subject, by the way — will now get you sent to a gulag, it’s still possible to surreptitiously trans one of the remaining cis holdouts in your class. That awkward autistic or lesbian girl boy will never be her his true self, unless you convince her him she he was born in the wrong body and needs to mutilate it ASAP.
7. Celebrate Ibram X. Kendi Day
At noon, this Federal holiday created by Joe Biden will revert to Martin Luther King Jr. Day. So get up early to spread Kendi’s unifying & uplifting message that “the only remedy to racist discrimination is anti-racist discrimination. The only remedy to past discrimination is present discrimination.” Then we’re back to MLK’s hateful, divisive rhetoric about judging people not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
8. Scream on TikTok
Because TikTok has only hours left before it shuts down forever. And just screaming to yourself does nothing to change things.
9. Invent a new constitutional amendment
Any amendment, whatever strikes your fancy. Go wild — if Joe Biden can ignore Article V, so can you!
10. Stick more pins into your Elon Musk voodoo doll
It is all his fault Trump won, after all. Also remind your husband that the only reason you’re now stuck with a Tesla is because he said the Prius ‘looks kinda gay.’
11. Take a long, hard look in the mirror
Because, actually, this is all your fault. So stop blaming MAGAts, ‘low information voters’, christian nationalists, or Elon. You’re the ones who shoved your radical agenda, with your DEI and your crime wave, your drag queens and all those personal fucking pronouns, onto everyone. You’re the ones who thought an incompetent, lazy, and extremely unpleasant individual would make a great presidential candidate, simply by virtue of being a woman of color. Time to change your ways. Or better yet, don’t, and keep on losing.
Oh, and one bonus suggestion:
12. Cry harder.
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True Liberal Nexus 
Merry Christmas, Horse. And any stray ‘Pyt alums.
–Service Dog