Can’t come up with a costume idea this Halloween? The candidates of the Tea Party movement have some fine suggestions.
“I’m not a witch”, insists Chrissie O’Donnell, “but I like to dress up as one.” Chrissie favors the standard “black gown, pointed hat” look, and “one of those satanic symbols around your neck.” O’Donnell does caution parents not to let their young enchantresses sit on brooms, as “something long and hard between their thighs might lead to sinning instead of trick-or-treating!”
Parents making the rounds with their children should consider a joint costume, suggests Sharon Angle. “A dad escorting his teenage daughter, for example, could go as Uncle Warren [convicted child molester and fundamentalist mormon leader Warren Jeffs] and one of his plural wives.” As an added touch, Angle says stuff a pillow up the daughter’s prairie dress to simulate “a blessing.”
Joe Miller thinks everyone should go as Charlie Brown. “The days of government hand-outs are over. From now on if you come begging, you’re getting a rock!”
Meg Whitman likes going as Miss Piggy. As a billionaire, Meggers could buy any costume in the world, but “I wear a peach skirt-suit with pearls most days, so why change? Also, the porcine muppet fits her personality. “As I like so say,” Meg quips, “it’s not easy being green when you offshore production to Chinese factories!” Whitman adds that she learned a pretty good ‘oink-oink’ while chowing at the trough with her fellow Goldman-Sachs board members. But what about costume suggestions for other people? “Like I give a damn about other people,” Whitman replies.
Ilario Pantano warns trick-or-treaters not to approach his house. The “Trespassers Will be Shot on Sight” sign in his front lawn is “no joke,” emphasizes Pantano.
Michele Bachmann swears by the traditional ghost. “My good friend, Tony Perkins, does wonders with a simple white sheet,” exclaims Bachmann. “All the darkies are scared to death when Tony and his klan roam their neighborhood at night!”
Marc Rubio enjoys wearing a costume and entertaining trick-or-treaters. “I get done up like one of those SWAT guys who nabbed Elian Gonzalez,” says Cuban-American Rubio. “A tyke’ll come to the door and shout, ‘trick-or-treat’ and I’ll grab him by the shirt, stuff the muzzle of my toy M-16 in his face and scream, ‘we’re sending you to back to Castro and atheism!’ They usually cry, but then I say, “Hey kid, it’s a joke! Forget about your mom; you can stay in America and eat candy.”
Rand Paul wonders why no one dresses up any more as one of his personal heroes. “Strom Thurmond understood that the government didn’t have the right to force businesses to serve black people. More young Americans should honor his legacy, as I do.”
Why not revive an old costume gathering dust in the closet, asks Rich Iott? “Most Americans have a military reenactment uniform laying around,” notes Iott, who for years dressed up as a Stürmbahnführer of the 5th SS “Wiking” Division. For those who don’t, Iott suggests contacting your local gun club or Aryan Brotherhood chapter. “Attention to detail is important,” insists Iott, who, while admitting he built his Panzerfaust out of stove pipe, boasts that his Walther PPK sidearm “is an authentic ‘Wiking’ piece used to shoot Russian peasants in the head.”
Whatever you go as this Halloween, if you follow the Tea Party’s advice, it’s guaranteed to be SCARY!
(c) 2010 by ‘tamerlane.’ All rights reserved.
Too bad the NY candidate’s not a TP’er– he’s worthy of your satirical barbs too. Thanks for a needed laugh; teaching a class of 25 today, all of voting age and perhaps some even citizens, I found none knew about Prop 23. Maybe if I had asked about Prop 19…