Charge of the Lightbringer Brigade

Ima Puma responds to MoveOn’s latest email blast.

from: Adam Ruben,

to: Ima Puma

subject: Stop the Takeover!

Dear MoveOn member,

I’m actually not a member.  It’s just that the DNC gave you Hillary Clinton’s mailing list.

It’s a perfect storm.

And you buttfucks helped create it.

Polls show record levels of voter anger at Washington.

… at the President.  And Team Pelosi.

Corporate interests are spending $400 million to try and buy Congress….

They already own the White House, so why not run the table?

And Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are whipping up a frenzy of right-wing hatred and coded racism.

Because everything anyone says is “coded racism.”

In short, we’re on the verge of losing this election.

What happened to the thousand-year Progressive Reich you promised?

And if that happens, right-wing Republicans and their corporate benefactors will do everything they can to kill any progressive legislation for the rest of the Obama presidency.

That’d be a bit redundant on their part, now wouldn’t it?

The good news is that we’ve still got a chance to turn the tide.

Because, umm, like, we’re the ones we’ve been waiting for?

We’ve seen before how a massive outpouring of support from grassroots progressives can swing an election—remember what happened in 2008?

Is this where we click our heels three times and chant “yes, we can”?

It’s time to do it again. We’ll mobilize MoveOn’s 5 million members to get out the vote and stop the takeover of Congress. Can you chip in $5?

Wow, that’s $25 million!  Soros & Buffett are onboard again, right?

The last couple years … we’ve all been plenty frustrated with Democrats in Washington.

Those goddamn bluedogs hate on the Lightbringer!

But we simply can’t afford to go back to the days of a Congress controlled by Republicans and their corporate allies.

Shoulda thought of that when you nominated an inexperienced, lazy wanker.

Here’s the plan:

We’ll spin up the massively successful campaign that brought in a million volunteers for Barack Obama in 2008 …

Except now they’ve all seen the real barack obama.

…  and improve it to recruit volunteers in dozens of districts across the country.

ACORN lives?

Expose the corporate cash behind Republicans: We’ll … remind voters again and again that Republicans are backed by the same big corporations that drove our economy off a cliff and fought tooth and nail against health care reform.

While you’re at it, explain Timmy Geithner’s presence in the Cabinet.  And define the terms “health”, “care”, and “reform.”

We’ll hit the phones … for progressive leaders facing tough re-election fights.

Because annoying cold calls from strident idealists always swing tight elections.

It’s an ambitious plan—but it can work if all of us pitch in. Can you donate $5 today?

You betcha!  Just as soon as I park my unicorn under his rainbow.

9 Responses to Charge of the Lightbringer Brigade

  1. Cyn says:

    OMG, this is so fucking spot on. Can you believe that they think we will just forget what happened, can’t see the forest for the trees and will become their sheep?

    I have received at least one phone call (sometimes as many as 3)each day on my answering machine and I know it is one of the Dem groups asking for money. I love that they are begging.

    Today, I rec’d a very official envelope with a “do not bend” sticker posted on the front. Low and behold, it was a black and white (ironic, huh?) photo of The One. I had half a notion to bring it to work and throw it at my boss, as he was one of many who fell for the hype. However, as I am only working part-time, I thought better of it and just ripped it into tiny little pieces.

    Thanks for your satire. It keeps me same.


  2. socalannie says:

    omg, this post was freaking hilarious! Brava Ima Puma! I’m flicking my bic for you! Rock on you truthtelling Puma you!

  3. cookbook says:

    I have a friend who wants the “iconic” image printed on toilet paper. I bet whoever does that can “raise” some money.

  4. FembotsForObama says:

    OMG — your responses are hilarious! ;)

    But how are you even able to handle the dozens of email from MoveOn that appears in your mailbox since 2008. Ever since they gave me barely a day to vote for which Dem nominee I’d support, then announced (surprise) Obama, I’ve discontinued my affiliation. They even told me that Hillary wasn’t a viable candidate in their response to my email! I can’t even read their tripe anymore without wanting to chuck my computer.

    Now they expect us to follow lockstop again? What a bunch of maroons! They have noone to blame for this Republican take-over but themselves.

    Thanks for sharing this!

  5. Sima says:

    This was awesome. Thanks TL. I gave up on Moveon right after the one day to vote online fiasco. My whole family did. They sent us a few emails asking us to reconsider, but that was it. Screw them.

  6. Fionnchú says:

    Yeah, I got another place for the unicorn to plant his totem. “Corporate interests are spending $400 million to try and buy Congress” indeed, as the Pres who rejected even half-hearted campaign reform in a record $609 million run should be able to relate to. I guess the Dems raised every cent from Josie Lunchbox & José Campesino and not, say, $900,000 from Goldman Sachs.

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