Ima Puma Receives Thanksgiving Messages from a Humanist and a Narcissist

November 26, 2010

Ima,

With Thanksgiving only a few days away, I am reminded of all the things I have to be

Bill Clinton

thankful for this year: family and friends, good health, the chance to help improve lives through my Foundation, and our supporters who make that work possible.

(Others)

But at the same time. I’m reminded of all the people around the world who still lack access to the opportunities to live their dreams and improve their lives.

(Others)

In this month’s newsletter, you can read how we work to improve lives around the world, from building sustainable schools in Malawi to responding to the Cholera outbreak in Haiti.

Others)

Thank you, as always, for your support.

Best wishes for a healthy and happy Thanksgiving.

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

===

Ima —

barack obama

When Michelle and I sit down with our family to give thanks today, I want you to know that we’ll be especially grateful for folks like you.

(Me)

Everything we have been able to accomplish in the last two years was possible because you have been willing to work for it and organize for it.

(Me)

And every time we face a setback, or when progress doesn’t happen as quickly as we would like, we know that you’ll be right there with us, ready to fight another day.

(Me)

So I want to thank you — for everything.

Have a wonderful day, and God bless.

Barack


Barack Obama: “I Want to Meet Ima Puma”

October 22, 2010

Ima Puma responds to a request to meet with the President of the United States of America.


Dear Ima,
Two years ago, just before I accepted our party’s nomination in front of 80,000 people in Denver, I spoke with 10 grassroots supporters who had won a trip to meet me backstage.

“Backstage?”  Yes, it was stage production, wasn’t it?

I still remember the time we spent together — because these are the people, like you, who … got me through the tough fights since.

By making excuse after excuse for your pathetic performance.

But we face another test on November 2nd … and I need you by my side again. A Supreme Court decision I strongly disagree with has shifted the balance of power in our elections from folks like you to giant corporations. Their massive spending on attack ads could have a real impact on who represents you at all levels of government.

This from a guy who broke his promise to stick to campaign spending limits, and went on to spend $700 million.

So next week, just 11 days before the elections, I want to meet three supporters like you backstage at a rally in Las Vegas — one of the last big rallies of this campaign.

Because Las Vegas epitomizes everything about your character and your administration.

This movement has always been about more than me.

I understand. It’s also about getting your golf handicap to at least -5.

It’s about change, and the kind of future we envision for this country.

I envision a future where you are not president.

The folks I met backstage in Denver told me they wanted health reform, a clean-energy economy, and a resolution to the war in Iraq.

Suckers!

They wanted a new kind of politics, and a new kind of leader.

Instead, they got a Chicago thug.

It was their hope and expectation that together we would move beyond the status quo, that we would counter the special interests and corporate influence in Washington —

God, I hate koolaid hangovers.

— that we would do what was right and necessary for all Americans.

” And by ‘all Americans,’ I mean the insurance lobby.”

With your help, we have made historic progress,

The Titanic was ‘historic’, too.

but there is much left to do —

Step One: Nominate Hillary.

and it will not happen without your involvement. Your donation today will provide critical support to our Vote 2010 campaign.

What? Is Soros skint?

It will determine if we pass this test, and win our toughest fight yet.

The fight to get elected after having dragged your sorry ass around for two years.

Please donate $3 or more to be automatically entered to win a trip to Las Vegas to meet me backstage:

Just thinking about that makes me faint!  Will I get to play the tambourine during your encore?

I hope to see you out there,

No, you really, really don’t.

— President Barack Obama

If it limps like a duck…


Charge of the Lightbringer Brigade

September 8, 2010

Ima Puma responds to MoveOn’s latest email blast.

from: Adam Ruben, MoveOn.org

to: Ima Puma

subject: Stop the Takeover!

Dear MoveOn member,

I’m actually not a member.  It’s just that the DNC gave you Hillary Clinton’s mailing list.

It’s a perfect storm.

And you buttfucks helped create it.

Polls show record levels of voter anger at Washington.

… at the President.  And Team Pelosi.

Corporate interests are spending $400 million to try and buy Congress….

They already own the White House, so why not run the table?

And Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are whipping up a frenzy of right-wing hatred and coded racism.

Because everything anyone says is “coded racism.”

In short, we’re on the verge of losing this election.

What happened to the thousand-year Progressive Reich you promised?

And if that happens, right-wing Republicans and their corporate benefactors will do everything they can to kill any progressive legislation for the rest of the Obama presidency.

That’d be a bit redundant on their part, now wouldn’t it?

The good news is that we’ve still got a chance to turn the tide.

Because, umm, like, we’re the ones we’ve been waiting for?

We’ve seen before how a massive outpouring of support from grassroots progressives can swing an election—remember what happened in 2008?

Is this where we click our heels three times and chant “yes, we can”?

It’s time to do it again. We’ll mobilize MoveOn’s 5 million members to get out the vote and stop the takeover of Congress. Can you chip in $5?

Wow, that’s $25 million!  Soros & Buffett are onboard again, right?

The last couple years … we’ve all been plenty frustrated with Democrats in Washington.

Those goddamn bluedogs hate on the Lightbringer!

But we simply can’t afford to go back to the days of a Congress controlled by Republicans and their corporate allies.

Shoulda thought of that when you nominated an inexperienced, lazy wanker.

Here’s the plan:

We’ll spin up the massively successful campaign that brought in a million volunteers for Barack Obama in 2008 …

Except now they’ve all seen the real barack obama.

…  and improve it to recruit volunteers in dozens of districts across the country.

ACORN lives?

Expose the corporate cash behind Republicans: We’ll … remind voters again and again that Republicans are backed by the same big corporations that drove our economy off a cliff and fought tooth and nail against health care reform.

While you’re at it, explain Timmy Geithner’s presence in the Cabinet.  And define the terms “health”, “care”, and “reform.”

We’ll hit the phones … for progressive leaders facing tough re-election fights.

Because annoying cold calls from strident idealists always swing tight elections.

It’s an ambitious plan—but it can work if all of us pitch in. Can you donate $5 today?

You betcha!  Just as soon as I park my unicorn under his rainbow.



Another Democrat Candidate Loses A True Liberal’s Vote

March 31, 2010

Chris Kelly is running for Attorney General of California.  Recently he contacted tamerlane (aka, “Ima Puma”).   Tamerlane/Ima replied.

Hi Chris,

I’m a social liberal and registered independent who’ll be voting in the upcoming Democratic state primary.  And I won’t be voting for you.

You started with as good a chance as the other half-dozen AG candidates I knew nothing about, until you sent me an email entitled, “Don’t Sue President Obama”.  In it, you waxed rapturous about the “landmark” health care reform bill.

Except that bill had scant “reform” in it, and nothing to do with health “care”.

You also lied.  You wrote, “I was there when [Bill & Hillary Clinton] worked hard to achieve [universal health care] but fell short of the finish line.  Well, yesterday, President Barack Obama and Congressional Democrats took us across that finish line…”

… the ‘finish line’ of universal health care?   As my fellow ranchers often say, I may have been born at night, but it wasn’t *last* night!  That bill is a steaming turd, a sell-out to the insurance lobby, and an insult to the 3/4 of Americans who were crying out for universal, single payer health care.

Chris, you seem like a decent guy, and somebody I’d eagerly support under normal circumstances.  But if you want to hitch your wagon to the biggest fraud in the White House since Andrew Johnson, do so at your own peril.   Because of your blind devotion to obama, I won’t be voting for you, not in the primary, and not in the general.

Think about it.  And feel free to contact me to discuss.

Best,

— Ima