Charge of the Lightbringer Brigade

September 8, 2010

Ima Puma responds to MoveOn’s latest email blast.

from: Adam Ruben,

to: Ima Puma

subject: Stop the Takeover!

Dear MoveOn member,

I’m actually not a member.  It’s just that the DNC gave you Hillary Clinton’s mailing list.

It’s a perfect storm.

And you buttfucks helped create it.

Polls show record levels of voter anger at Washington.

… at the President.  And Team Pelosi.

Corporate interests are spending $400 million to try and buy Congress….

They already own the White House, so why not run the table?

And Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are whipping up a frenzy of right-wing hatred and coded racism.

Because everything anyone says is “coded racism.”

In short, we’re on the verge of losing this election.

What happened to the thousand-year Progressive Reich you promised?

And if that happens, right-wing Republicans and their corporate benefactors will do everything they can to kill any progressive legislation for the rest of the Obama presidency.

That’d be a bit redundant on their part, now wouldn’t it?

The good news is that we’ve still got a chance to turn the tide.

Because, umm, like, we’re the ones we’ve been waiting for?

We’ve seen before how a massive outpouring of support from grassroots progressives can swing an election—remember what happened in 2008?

Is this where we click our heels three times and chant “yes, we can”?

It’s time to do it again. We’ll mobilize MoveOn’s 5 million members to get out the vote and stop the takeover of Congress. Can you chip in $5?

Wow, that’s $25 million!  Soros & Buffett are onboard again, right?

The last couple years … we’ve all been plenty frustrated with Democrats in Washington.

Those goddamn bluedogs hate on the Lightbringer!

But we simply can’t afford to go back to the days of a Congress controlled by Republicans and their corporate allies.

Shoulda thought of that when you nominated an inexperienced, lazy wanker.

Here’s the plan:

We’ll spin up the massively successful campaign that brought in a million volunteers for Barack Obama in 2008 …

Except now they’ve all seen the real barack obama.

…  and improve it to recruit volunteers in dozens of districts across the country.

ACORN lives?

Expose the corporate cash behind Republicans: We’ll … remind voters again and again that Republicans are backed by the same big corporations that drove our economy off a cliff and fought tooth and nail against health care reform.

While you’re at it, explain Timmy Geithner’s presence in the Cabinet.  And define the terms “health”, “care”, and “reform.”

We’ll hit the phones … for progressive leaders facing tough re-election fights.

Because annoying cold calls from strident idealists always swing tight elections.

It’s an ambitious plan—but it can work if all of us pitch in. Can you donate $5 today?

You betcha!  Just as soon as I park my unicorn under his rainbow.

A Joke

July 12, 2010
Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, invites Barack Obama to do a flyover of the Gulf oil spill in BP’s private plane.  Along with them are Bill Clinton and a young Greenpeace volunteer.  As they’re flying over the spill, the engines catch fire and the plane begins to hurtle uncontrollably toward the sea below.

The pilot calls back to the passengers: “We’re going down!  I’ll keep flying as long as possible so you can save yourselves.  Bail out now!”

But, because BP cut corners, there are only three parachutes for four passengers.

Hayward quickly snatches the first parachute.  “I’m the only person in the world with the expertise to solve this oil spill” he says, and jumps out.

Obama now dons a parachute, and before bailing out declares, “I’m the smartest president ever –  only I can figure out a solution to this disaster!”

The Greenpeace volunteer turns to Bill Clinton and solemnly says, “You take the last parachute.  I’m just one activist.  But you head a large international charity, and you have the experience, resources and the compassion to do something about this terrible tragedy.”

Clinton chuckles as he pats the Greenpeace volunteer on the shoulder.  “Grab a ‘chute, kid,” Bill drawls, “the ‘smartest president ever’ just leapt out of the plane wearing your backpack!”