Charge of the Lightbringer Brigade

September 8, 2010

Ima Puma responds to MoveOn’s latest email blast.

from: Adam Ruben, MoveOn.org

to: Ima Puma

subject: Stop the Takeover!

Dear MoveOn member,

I’m actually not a member.  It’s just that the DNC gave you Hillary Clinton’s mailing list.

It’s a perfect storm.

And you buttfucks helped create it.

Polls show record levels of voter anger at Washington.

… at the President.  And Team Pelosi.

Corporate interests are spending $400 million to try and buy Congress….

They already own the White House, so why not run the table?

And Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are whipping up a frenzy of right-wing hatred and coded racism.

Because everything anyone says is “coded racism.”

In short, we’re on the verge of losing this election.

What happened to the thousand-year Progressive Reich you promised?

And if that happens, right-wing Republicans and their corporate benefactors will do everything they can to kill any progressive legislation for the rest of the Obama presidency.

That’d be a bit redundant on their part, now wouldn’t it?

The good news is that we’ve still got a chance to turn the tide.

Because, umm, like, we’re the ones we’ve been waiting for?

We’ve seen before how a massive outpouring of support from grassroots progressives can swing an election—remember what happened in 2008?

Is this where we click our heels three times and chant “yes, we can”?

It’s time to do it again. We’ll mobilize MoveOn’s 5 million members to get out the vote and stop the takeover of Congress. Can you chip in $5?

Wow, that’s $25 million!  Soros & Buffett are onboard again, right?

The last couple years … we’ve all been plenty frustrated with Democrats in Washington.

Those goddamn bluedogs hate on the Lightbringer!

But we simply can’t afford to go back to the days of a Congress controlled by Republicans and their corporate allies.

Shoulda thought of that when you nominated an inexperienced, lazy wanker.

Here’s the plan:

We’ll spin up the massively successful campaign that brought in a million volunteers for Barack Obama in 2008 …

Except now they’ve all seen the real barack obama.

…  and improve it to recruit volunteers in dozens of districts across the country.

ACORN lives?

Expose the corporate cash behind Republicans: We’ll … remind voters again and again that Republicans are backed by the same big corporations that drove our economy off a cliff and fought tooth and nail against health care reform.

While you’re at it, explain Timmy Geithner’s presence in the Cabinet.  And define the terms “health”, “care”, and “reform.”

We’ll hit the phones … for progressive leaders facing tough re-election fights.

Because annoying cold calls from strident idealists always swing tight elections.

It’s an ambitious plan—but it can work if all of us pitch in. Can you donate $5 today?

You betcha!  Just as soon as I park my unicorn under his rainbow.



Time to Move On, MoveOn!

March 10, 2010

Just before New Years of 2009, the progressive PAC, MoveOn, took a poll.  Eagerly awaiting the inauguration of the man they had worked so hard to elect, who they were certain would usher in an era of miraculous Change in America, MoveOn asked its five million members to select the four top goals for the obama administration.  Here’s what they came up with:

#1 Universal Health Care

#2 Economic Recovery and Job Creation

#3 Build a Green Economy / Stop Climate Change

#4 End the War in Iraq

It’s no coincidence that the goals most important to MoveOnians were the same ones obama had most frequently and emphatically promised to focus on — that’s why MoveOn campaigned so zealously for him.  Fifteen months have since passed, and all four of these goals have been shot down in flames:

•  It took only a few of obama’s first hundred days to discover that his Iraq policy was going to be a carbon copy of Shrub’s;

•  The green economy received a few speeches and little else, while a reluctant and ineffectual overnighter to Copenhagen was the best the slacker-in-chief could manage for climate change;

•  Despite obscene handouts to corporations, the economy remains listless.  The administration proudly reported we had actually experienced a “jobless recovery” — a comfort, no doubt, to all those unemployed who’ll soon be receiving moneyless paychecks;

•  Even before the plan for healthcare reform left the White House, it was stillborn.  Nothing more than a sell-out to big pharma and the insurance lobby, obama’s bill ought to die but, like some manure pile that’s caught fire, it continues to smolder and stink, while no one can figure out how to put it out.

Surely MoveOn ought to be greatly disappointed, angry even, at how their Chosen One has failed them.  Inexplicably, they do not hold obama accountable.  They’ve blamed Joe Lieberman, they’ve blamed Blue Dogs and Republicans.  They’ve blamed Geithner, Rahm, and they probably blame Bo, the First Family’s purebred Portuguese water dog, for giving his master bad advice, too.

Poor MoveOn — they just can’t accept that they fell in love with a compulsive liar.   It’s no surprise, really, that an organization that devotes most of its energies to printing hand-held slogans would fall for a mellifluous charlatan whose credentials were limited to the words “Hope” and “Change.”

But now it’s time to move on, MoveOn.  Time to stop being a codependent.   Face it — your boyfriend is a manipulative, untrustworthy shit.  Dump him.

And you need to stop rushing into these unhealthy relationships with shady characters, MoveOn.  No more Howard Deans or Jon Edwards.  Get to know the person first, meet their family, examine their voting record.

And for godsakes, make some bigger signs!

(c) 2010 by ‘tamerlane.’  All rights reserved.